im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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