my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
worst night to have a conscience
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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