it hurts more in the daytime
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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