I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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