So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
