If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
