Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
