found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we're making bets on your personal life
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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