apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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