I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
