how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
