Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
