best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
