i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize