I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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