I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize