Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
