My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
