i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
