I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how drunk are you?
Several
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
