In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I cannot find my penis.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
