Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We had sex on a dog bed..
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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