watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
