A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
