oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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