i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
