My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
