You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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