why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
