The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
