she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i will never coherently bang her
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
