she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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