Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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