he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize