how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize