It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize