do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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