Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize