i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
