i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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