yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
