Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Randomize
