8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
