i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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