My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
