Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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