saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
