I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
