We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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