Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
