happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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