conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
