Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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