Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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