I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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