I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
