if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
