took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize