I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
