I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
