If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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