her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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