Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
