Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
