Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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