I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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